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Anxious attachment style usually develops as a result of a parent or primary caretaker who was unpredictable in their connection, not emotionally attuned, and may have been neglected or abandoned. This results in the child not knowing what response to expect and so being in a state of chronic stress and fear around their connection to their parent. As an adult, this can show up as being insecure about your romantic relationships and feeling fear that this person will not be there for you, a deep fear of abandonment. Because your nervous system is stuck on hyper-arousal around love and connection, you tend to overanalyse your partner’s words and behaviour, always doubt if this person is committed to you and not going to leave. (Also read: Relationship tips: 7 things to remember for healthier dating )
However, because of your childhood patterning around love, you probably tend to choose partners who validate what you already believe about yourself and your deepest fears in a relationship, so the men you choose continue to activate old wounds and leave you feeling helpless and hopeless about love. The good news is, that healing and rewiring for a more secure attachment style is possible. You can change these patterns within yourself and attract and choose a relationship that is healthy, happy, and a positive influence on your life.
Attachment and Dating Coach, Elizabeth Karina shared signs of anxious attachment in dating that one should be aware about and some tips to handle it in her recent Instagram post.
Signs of anxious attachment in dating:
1. You can easily become preoccupied with the other person, often putting that person on a pedestal, worrying about whether they have lost interest or will lose interest, are they pulling away, do they like me, etc.
2. Your focus is other-focused (does this person like me & how can I get them to like me?) vs. centered between yourself & others.
3. Your nervous system is very finely tuned to notice any small changes in communication, length of time between contact, emotional distance, etc. And any amount of perceived distance or disconnection is extremely uncomfortable for you and will send your nervous system into hyper-arousal (anxious freak out state).
4. Your deepest fear is being rejected/ abandoned (which translates to a fear of the loss of connection). So you will tend to overextend try to close the perceived gap between you & the other person.
Tips to handle anxious attachment in dating:
1. You may have been told that you are “too much” and that no one can handle you. And while it is important to heal the wounds that created your anxious attachment, learn self-regulation skills, and do cognitive rewiring around negative self beliefs (for yourself and your own internal peace) it’s also likely a sign that on top of your anxious attachment, you are dating the wrong people for you, who bring out the most anxious parts in you.
2. If you find yourself constantly getting caught in a cycle of pushing and pulling with partners then it’s likely a result of who you are being attracted to.
3. When we do the deeper work on where our patterns come from and heal the roots of these patterns, they melt away and the types of people we used to attract and be attracted to changes.
4. Anxious attachment isn’t a life sentence or a reason you can’t find a lasting and fulfilling relationship. It just will require extra work on your part to heal the key parts that sabotage you.
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